Sign Language

A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building needs a handsaw. He
sees another man on the 1st floor. He yells down to him, but he can't
hear, so he does sign language.

To do sign language, the man on the 3rd floor points at his eye meaning
"I", points at his knee meaning "need", and moves his hand back and forth
in a handsaw motion.

The man on the 1st floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, and starts
masturbating. The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry he runs down to the
1st floor and says, "What the heck is wrong with you, dumb ass? I said I
need a handsaw!"

The other guy says, "I knew that, I was just trying to tell you I'm
coming."

TYPES OF WEBMASTERS

Joe/Jane Average College Student
Traits :
Owner of a new university-supplied computer account with http
access. Complete lack of originality. Multiple references to
beer/Disney movies. Several photos of Student with college buddies
(high school, if freshman Student).

The Good News :
They don't know how to get their page linked to the outside world,
so only they and their friends download their 16.7-million- color
pictures from the last party.

The Bad News :
They, their friends and their 16.7-million-color pictures might be
on your server.

Mr. "Enhanced For Netscape"
Traits :
The second thing you see on his page is a Netscape logo and a link
to an ftp site where you can download Netscape NOW!. The first thing
you see is about 80 different TITLE's scrolling back and forth across your screen.

The Good News :
You won't have to look at their pages for long, because there won't
be much there to see.

The Bad News :
Half of the rest of the people who look at their pages are going to
think "Hey, that's cool!" and copy the source.

The Old-Timer
Traits :
Pages compatible with HTML 1.0, no graphics and very few attribute tags.
Normal-text-size message at top says "This page not enhanced for Netscape.
Cope, whipper-snapper."

The Good News :
He's likely there because he has something of importance to say.

The Bad News :
Whatever it is will likely be boring or far too technical for you.

The 5-Year-Old
Traits :
Pictures of their parents, the family pet, etc. More data about the daily
life of a kindergartener than you thought possible. Cute "kiddy-talk"
dialect to the text. ADDRESS contains the note "such-and-such's mother
helped her build this page."

The Good News :
The first few of these you see give you a warm, fuzzy feeling.

The Bad News :
The last few dozen of these you see all look the same.

The Computer Science Major
Traits :
Links to the linux FAQ, the Geek Code, Star Wars theme music and
DOOM .wad files. Cautious use of Netscape enhancements. Picture of Darth Vader
instead of personal pictures. HTML 3.0 (Beta) compliant seal-of-approval at bottom
of her page.

The Good News :
If you're a geek, you'll find what you're looking for here. Even if you're not,
you'll like the page design.

The Bad News :
Complete lack of socially redeeming qualities. Unfortunate tendency to upload
specs of their home PC.

The Businessman
Traits :
Pages without fancy backgrounds and with only one nice, clean, imagemap.
Unfortunately, there are no text-links for those using Lynx.

The Good News :
You won't go blind staring at his pages.

The Bad News :
You might wish you had once you see the prices of the goods/services he's offering.

The Newbie
Traits :
Very little created text on their pages, it's almost all links to other
people's pages. Missing right brackets in A HREF's kill whole lines of information.
Several image files are not able to be loaded.

The Good News :
They'll almost have to get better.

The Bad News :
They just might not.

The Egotist
Traits :
Large image of themself greets you when page is loading. 1/2 Meg .au file
of him chatting with his dog. Access counts shown for every page. Several
lengthy pages devoted to his compact disk/Magic card/beer bottle collection.
More personal details than you'd ever want to know.

The Good News :
There isn't any.

The Bad News :
Frequently friendly with Mr. "Enhanced for Netscape."

The Maniac
Traits :
Last counted 1267 .html files in his public_html directory and 100+ CGI
scripts in his cgi-bin directory. Is known as a "Close Personal Friend of Bob
[Allison]." Thinks the people at Yahoo! "don't keep up with the Web fast enough.
" Will be the first on his block to have an ethernet cable hardwired into his brain.

The Good News :
You could go through all his pages and never find an error.

The Bad News :
You'd never make it through all his pages.

QUOTES

It is near the end of the school year, the teacher has written her reports,
and there's really nothing to do. All the kids are restless because it's
Friday afternoon and not much is happening. The teacher said,
"Whoever answers the questions I ask first, and correctly, can leave early today."
Little Kelvin said to himself, "Good, I want to get outta here.
I'm clever, the answer's mine . . ."

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago"
Before Kelvin could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln."
The teacher said, "That's right Susie. You can go."
Kelvin was mad Susie answered first.

The teacher asked, "Who said, 'I Have a Dream?'"
Before Kelvin could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King."
The teacher said "That's right Mary. You can go."
Kelvin was even madder than before since Mary answered first.

The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you?'"
Before Kelvin could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John Kennedy."
The teacher said, "That's right Nancy. You can go."
Kelvin was fuming as Nancy answered first.

Then the teacher turned her back, and Kelvin said,
"I wish these chicks would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turned around and asked angrily, "Who said that?"

Kelvin said, "BILL CLINTON, SEE YOU MONDAY, TEACHER!"

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something
exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the
little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.

The teacher was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes
could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to
the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the
blackboard, then sat back down.

Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report
on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

'It's a period', Johnnie explained. 'Well I can see that,' she said,
'but what is so exciting about a period?'

'Damned if I know,' said Johnnie, 'but this morning my sister said she missed one.
Then Daddy had a heart attack and Mommy fainted.

There were two guys working for the city.
One would dig a hole, he would dig, dig, dig,
the other would come behind him and fill the hole,
fill, fill, fill. These two men worked furiously.
One digging a hole, the other filling it up again.

A man was watching from the sidewalk and couldn't
believe how hard these men were working, but couldn't
understand what they were doing.  Finally he had to
ask them.

He said to the hole digger, "I appreciate how hard
you work, but what are you doing?  You dig a hole
and your partner comes behind you and fills it up
again!"

The hole digger replied, "Oh yeah, must look funny,
but the guy who plants the trees is sick today."

One day, Steve decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business. After weeks of negotiations,
he bought the company outright. But after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running
such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.

The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was
very interesting. But at the end of the interview, Steve asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

The gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears". Steve got very angry and threw him out.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. But he asked her the same question,
"Do you notice anything different about me?

She replied, "Well, you have no ears." Steve again was upset and tossed her out.

The third and last interview was the best of all three.It was with a very young man who was fresh out
of college. He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman than the first
two put together. Steve was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question:
"Do you notice anything different about me?"

And to his surprise, the young man answered, "Yes. You wear contact lenses."

Steve was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?"

The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears!"

A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's birthday and he hadn't bought her a present.
 He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"

The Manager replied, "Which one? We have,

'Barbie goes to the gym'for $19.95 ...

'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95 ...

'Barbie goes shopping for $19.95 ...

'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95...

'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95 ...

and 'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00."

"Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95?" Dad asked surprised.

"Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's House, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat and Ken's furniture."

A Bedtime Story

Hillary is lying in bed wide-eyed one night, and starts
poking Bill in the back.  "Wake up," she says." Bill just
turns over and groans.  Again, she pokes him the back and
says, "Bill, wake up!"
"What do you want?" he grunts in a sleepy voice.
"I'm going to the bathroom," she says.
"You woke me up just to tell me your going to the bathroom?"
"No," Hillary says. "I want you to save my place."

10. You can usually find someone to do it with.

9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left off.

8. You can finish early with-out feelings of guilt or shame.

7. When you open a book, you don't have to worry about who else has opened it.

6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.

5. If you don't finish a chapter you won't gain a reputation as a "book teaser"

4. You can do it, eat and watch T.V. all at the same time.

3. You don't get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.

2. You don't have to put your beer down to do it.

1. If you aren't sure what you're doing, you can always ask your roommate for help!

Two deaf people get married.  During the first week of marriage, they find that they
are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights (because
they can't see each other using sign language, ).

 After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife proposes a
solution.  "Honey,"  she signs,  "Why don't we agree on some simple signals?  For
instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left
breast one time.   If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right
breast one time."

The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea!
Now if you want to have sex with ME,   reach over and pull on my penis one time."
"And if you don't want to have sex,  reach over and pull on my penis......fifty times"

 A missionary gets sent into the deepest darkest Africa, and goes to live with a tribe
 there. He spends years with the people, teaching them to read, write, and the good
Christian ways of the white man. One thing that he particularly stresses is the evil
of sexual sin. Thou must not commit adultery or fornication!!!

One day, the wife of one of the tribes noblemen gave birth to a white child. The
village is shocked, and the chief is then sent by his people to talk with the
missionary. "You have taught us of the evils of sexual sin, yet here a black women
gives birth to a white child. You are the only white man that has ever set foot in our
village. I know what you've done!"

The missionary tries to cover himself up by saying: "Oh, no, my good man - you are
mistaken. What you have here is a natural occurrence, called an albino. LOOK TO
THY YONDER FIELD! You see a field of white sheep, yet amongst them is one
black sheep. Nature does this on occasion."

The chief pauses a moment, and then says, "Tell you what - you don't say anything
about the sheep, I won't say anything about the kid."

  Three guys die and go to heaven. The first goes up to St. Peter who says, "I have only one
question before you go into heaven: Were you faithful to your wife?"
The guy answers, "Yes, I've never even looked at another women."
St.Peter says, "See that Rolls-Royce over there? That's your car to drive while you're in
heaven."
  The second guy gets the same question, and answers, "Once I strayed, but I confessed to my wife and she forgave me and we worked it out." St. Peter says, "See that new Buick over there, that's your car to use in heaven."
  The third guy answers the same question, "I have to admit, I've chased every girl I saw, and was with a lot of women." St. Peter says, "Okay, but you were basically a good guy, so that old VW Bug over there is yours to use while you're in heaven.
  The three guys go off on their separate ways.
  A few weeks later, guy #2 and guy #3 are driving along when they see guy #1's Rolls Royce parked outside of a bar. They stop and go into the bar andfind guy #1 with empty bottles all around him, face down with his face in is hands on the bar. They come up to him and guy #2 says, "Bud, what could possibly be so bad-you're in heaven, you drive a Rolls Royce, and everything is great!" He says, "I saw my wife today!" The other two answer, "That's great! What's the problem?" He answers, "She was riding a skateboard!"

                      Corporate Condoms

                      Which Condom would you use?
                      Nike Condoms: Just do it.
                      Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
                      Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
                      Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you can't stop.
                      Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
                      Flinstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
                      Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but ph balanced for a woman.
                      Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, it's that simple.
                      Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
                      Chevy Condoms: Like a rock.
                      Dial Condoms: Aren't you glad you use it? Don't you wish everybody did?
                      New York Lotto Condoms: 'Cause hey -- you never know.
                      California Lotto Condoms: Who's next?
                      Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
                      EverReady Condoms: Keeps going and going ...
                      KFC Condoms: Finger-lickin' good.
                      Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.
                      Lays Condoms: Betcha can't have just one.
                      Campbells Soup Condoms: Mmm, mmm good. 

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday,and
as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided
a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal.
Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to Nordstrom and
 bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for
 herself. During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got
 the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties. Without checking the contents,
 the young man sealed the package and sent it to his sweetheart with the
 following note:
 "I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any
 when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have
 chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears short ones that are
 easier to remove. "These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them
 from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and
they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really
 smart.
 "I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other
 hand will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again.
 "When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them
 away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. "Just think how
 many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them
 for me on Friday night.Have a nice day!"P.S. The latest style is to wear them
folded down with a little fur showing of.

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